


Kissing styrofoam

by whatever_my_muse_is



Category: Lil Peep, Lil Peep (Musician) RPF, Lil Tracy (Musician) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prison, Anal Sex, Anger, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Anxiety, Bromance, Cute, Cutting, Dark, Death Threats, Depression, Drama, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug-Induced Sex, Drugged Sex, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Forced, Friendship, Gender Dysphoria, Hatred, Heavy Angst, M/M, Male Bonding, Male Homosexuality, Male Protagonist, Mutilation, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Romance, Prison, Prison Sex, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rejection, Rough Sex, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Violence, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Threats of Violence, Transgender, Violence, drug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-02-15 20:14:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18676660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatever_my_muse_is/pseuds/whatever_my_muse_is
Summary: Gustav Ahr landed in prison and was sentenced ten years from an accidental car crash where he murdered someone by driving high on ketamine. He is living a hardship as his close inmate friend, Bexey, died. Now he is suffering alone and his way to pass the time and anguish is by getting high all the time. To his luck there is new inmates, where he will meet a new friend, Tracy. Together they plan an attack against the top dog, because Tracy isn't down for this abuse.





	1. Better off dying

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS NOT A REAL EVENT THAT HAPPENED  
> **THERE WILL BE MORE CHAPTERS TO COME **
> 
> To maximize emotional feeling, listen to this song,that inspired me, while reading  
> The song that inspired me to write this chapter https://youtu.be/UutbcbQeDv4 
> 
> I love Lil Peep to death and wish he hadn't died.. I just want people to not take this fic personally as he is my idol. I just have so much sadness pent up inside about his passing that made me want to write this. This fic involves a lot of triggering things so please be aware.  
> As bad as the beginning is, it'll get better and Gus will kick Shanks ass. Be patient for the chapters please :3
> 
> Also know the fact that this is my perception of the characters (the real people) I added elements of my own, my inspiration comes from peep, yes, but it's not him

CHAPTER 1

In the obscure room of the cell block, it was vivid irony as the silence of the night was noisier than usual. Water dripping from the sink was as loud as someone’s footsteps as he lay in his bed. Every drop was like a second which he counted every time, making the night grow in length as insomnia took over him. All he accomplished was tossing and turning, but empty thoughts were rolling around in his mind. His brain was enveloped with questions and feelings. He endured so much pain that it created the opposite effect, he was completely numb. He wanted to cry so much but nothing came out. He bottled up what was left as he sat in his dissociate enigma. In the process of the night of not being able to sleep he had carved a name on his thigh with a knife he had kept secretly hidden in his room.  


He exhaled a loud sigh as he sat up, his boxers sliding up a little, uncovering the name that was freshly cut into his flesh, bright and red. His eyes glanced over to it, a deepening emptiness in his eyes as he lost himself in a vacant trance. The pain pulsed throughout his thigh. The cut was laced deep into his skin, but with sorrow swallowing him up it felt as numb as the feelings inside his head.  


'Bexey' was written on his left thigh. Gustav was very close to him, perhaps even believing that they were together, but he wasn't sure. Stuck in this prison for about a year now, it was a living hell, but when Bexey arrived it made his life situation slightly better to deal with since he fell in love with him, but Gustav wasn't sure if Bexey felt the same. Maybe he did, platonically. All he knew is that the dead man was a comfort for him when times were difficult. He would have a pair of arms to hold him tightly and comfort him like a mother to a baby, nurturing him to ease the daily suffering in this shit hole.  


Now it had all vanished. Bexey had overdosed the night before and he had left the living for the dead, just like that. Gustav was on his own again, he hadn't had the time to even accept the fact that Bexey was gone forever. Bexey would never be replaced in his heart, but the prison didn’t even allow Gustav the time to even mourn for a second. New inmates were coming in today and they were already giving Bexey's room to a new guy. As inconsiderate as it seemed to do that, Gustav had no choice but to quickly accept that Bexey was gone.  


He was on edge with the desire to cry, it would feel so good to let out all the pain and anger he had boiled up inside but not even his own body would owe him that. He also had something else on his mind preventing him to shed tears. Shanks, the top dog decided that Gustav's cell block, which contained four inmates per block were all of his property. He decided who he'd choose as his sex victim every early morning and would exchange a ton of free contraband in return, and also protection from the other inmates. Bexey would be Gustav's savior of consolation after Shanks did his deed, cooing him back to sleep and helping him to ease his mind after getting raped. Sometimes Gustav would use Bexey as an escape as he closed his eyes and fantasized that him and Bexey were fucking and he'd actually be able to enjoy it and get more into it, which made the Shanks experience tolerable.  


Shanks was not a man of remorse, he had no empathy as inhumane as he was. He rode his ego greatly as he terrorized the inmates of this prison, clearly making his name as he shanked those who would not obey him. In this prison he was top dog and his gang were there to back him up, although they followed him only because they feared him. He was sentenced to life, the main reason as to why he didn’t care of what happens to anyone in here. So when it was time for him to forcefully seduce a victim, he was rough and not forgiving. Most of the time he’d leave bruises and scars making sure to show the other inmates that they were his territory and no one else’s.  


Now Bexey was gone, there was no one to come soothe him after it was done. He would be left alone and feeling empty inside as Shanks shamelessly ravaged his body. Gustav loss his sense of self, he didn’t even feel liked he owned his body anymore. He was treated like some dirty slave.  


Gustav dropped his head into the palm of his hands holding back tears. The more he thought about all this, the closer he was to exploding. He could do nothing, he was weak and helpless suffering from a heavy addiction to drugs as he was torn between the two worlds of substance enslavement and dignity. One thing he knew for sure is that the only acceptable place for him to be was in oblivion. Fear was driving him away of fighting back so he continued aimlessly in the direction of shame as it was the easiest path to follow.  


He stifled a whimper as the door knob of his cell turned quietly, a man making his entry without permission. Gustav’s watery eyes glanced up to see who it was, hoping to the bottom of his heart that it wasn't Shanks, and that it was Bexey coming back to tell him that he had survived the overdose and that everything was going to be okay.  


The hidden face was soon revealed as the man turned around. Shanks. His heart sank profoundly as he knew what was coming for him next. Despair took over as Shanks was already unbuckling his pants. Gustav stood up, his shoulders slumped as if to try and protect himself but there was nothing to do to make any of this better.  


The man bore face tattoos spread out all over. His head was fully shaved bearing the scars across his skull from passed jail fights he got into. He displayed a heavily built structure that added to his frightening posture. Shanks’s large hands were capable of controlling whatever he wanted. He was monstrous in comparison to Gustav, which was intimidating.  


"You've been a good boy these days." A deep scratchy voice hushed out as his pants dropped to the floor. "Bexey was a good fuck, and I won't get to savor his asshole anymore. You must have known how good he felt." He winked as he stepped forward, licking his lips. He grabbed onto Gustav's locks, yanking back his head so that he was forced to stare right into Shank's dark, lust-filled eyes. "Take this for this morning and ONLY for this one time. Understand?" With his other hand he handed the younger male a needle.  


Gustav felt a wash of relief as his desperate hands aimlessly grabbed the needle. Shanks pushed him back onto the bed as he prepared himself while waiting for Gustav to shoot himself up. Gustav's trembling hands took a band that lay on the floor and wrapped it around his arm. He pricked the needle right into his bearing vein, gradually injecting himself with heroine. The more that went in the more his nerves were soothed and his body felt as light as a cloud as he relaxed. He lay back on the bed, a smile creeping up onto his lips as his limp arm dropped the needle onto the floor.  


_Fuck reality._  


Shanks moved closer, bending forward to tug down Gustav's pants. Gustav's eyes flickered as he looked over to Shanks face, the older man’s facial appearance slowly blurring as the feeling of elevation increased. "Bex..." A bright and cute smile grew on lips as Shanks blurred face morphed into his beloved friends face. He giggled as he lazily wrapped his arms around the man as Shanks slid off Gustav's boxers before spitting on his fingers.  


“Fuck that’s tight.” Shanks inserted a finger in Gustav’s asshole, slowly making his way inside. He slid his finger deeper making Gustav moan softly as he locked onto Shanks eyes, his mind playing games with him as he clearly saw Bexey which made him relax, easing the insertion of the older man’s finger. “I want you to fuck me Bex.” He smirked as he felt a bit of an erection coming on, but the drug prevented his dick from hardening. He was high as fuck.  


Shanks paid no mind to Gustav he just wanted to fuck him hard to get his satisfaction for the day. He inserted two fingers now, scissoring his hole while adding more spit. His fingers slid in and out with ease, Gustav bit his lip as he arched his back. Shanks driven lust grew along with his erection. He spat a last time in his hand to cover his whole dick with the natural lubrication. Gustav winced a little as Shanks grabbed onto his legs, landing his dirty hand right on the wound marked on his thigh. The pain was soon replaced by a burst of ecstasy as his heart began to beat quicker. He felt Shanks hard member push through his tight hole.  


Gustav closed his eyes and threw his head back as Shanks thrusted inside him going harder every time. Their moans filled the room as Shanks continued to thrust harder until he came, filling Gustav with his cum. Gustav panted heavily as Shanks pulled out. Shanks lunged at Gustav’s throat choking him with a hard grip. “Bexey is fucking dead, remember that. That idiot did an overdose.” He let go of Gustav as he went to put on his pants.  


Shanks headed for the door, turning back to Gustav before leaving, "I'll be back to greet the new kid. It'll be a proper introduction so he knows who the fuck I am." Gustav nodded and smiled slightly raising his hand off the bed and waved his fingers to say bye. "Byyyye Bexeyyyyy." He lingered adorably on the y as the other man left, not fully comprehending what was happening.  


His breaths were slow and deep as he slowly got up, balancing himself with the help of the bed since he was very sluggish in his movements. He trudged to the toilet to drop down on the bowl and wipe himself. He was heavily in stupor as he got back up, dragging his feet to go put his boxers on. He decided that he didn’t want to be alone so he left his room to go take a seat on the sofa in the shared room of the inmates. He sunk into the soft cushions, his head flinging to the side, his eyelids drooping.  


The day was almost started, the bell was about to ring to wake up all the inmates, also indicating that new inmates were going to be distributed into cells. He had forgotten about the fresh wound on his leg, visible for everyone to witness as he idly sat, dozing in and out of consciousness.


	2. Why they hatin' on us lately

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tracy made his way into prison, encountering many events that he needs to deal with. He meets Gustav, someone who is interested in being his friend and wanting to help.  
> Tracy learns some of the dark secrets in this prison, but what will await him next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music video that inspired me to write this chapter :3  
> https://youtu.be/UVf8TjVHiK4
> 
> So I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. It was really fun to write! I can't wait to expand this story, I already love this trio so much heheh

CHAPTER 2  


Yet another day took away a man’s fate as handcuffs were tightened securely around his wrists. Tracy was sitting silently, anger coursing through his veins as the prison bus held the new inmates captive until their destination. The vehicle stopped and the guards got up to signal the prisoners off the bus.  


“Let’s fucking go inmates! Hurry up.”  


Tracy got up, his head lowered down, his dreads covering up the sides of his face hiding his stoic expression. He followed behind the other prisoners as they got off the bus, the guard leading them as they walked in a straight line into the building.  


They walked in and kept quietly in a line, their silence hung deadly in the air. Before entering the prison they had to exchange their clothes and take mugshots. Tracy, now blending in with the other prisoners in a bland orange outfit was the next one to take a mug shot. The guard touched the man’s shoulder to bring him into the room where the photos were being taken. “Fuck this…” Tracy muttered to himself as he glared drearily into the camera.  


_Snap._  


His face was now exploited for the rest of his life.  


“Next!”  


_Bzzzt._  


The guard opened a door with his key card entering deeper into the prison. Every step was slicing away his self-worth, slowly stripping away his pride. They arrived at the cell block that Tracy was supposed to be in. The guard opened the steel barred door that enclosed the three other inmates and waited for Tracy to go in so that he can get shown to his cell. Tracy breathed heavily, time seemingly in a halt, pondering for a moment if he should make a run for it. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He was framed, and he knew inside his heart that he was an innocent man. Someone had set him up and now he was paying for someone else’s doing without even given a chance to speak or to research some proof that this was a false accusation.  


The guard grabbed Tracy by the shoulder and shoved him inside the locked room. “Get off me man!” Tracy nudged his shoulder to repel the man’s touch as he stepped inside. The guard growled and pointed to the cell in the far left corner. “I don’t need to be formal with a scum like you, but that’s your room.” He spoke dryly as he unlocked Tracy from his handcuffs. Before heading out the guard shot a glance at Gustav who had finally passed out on the sofa. He spat on the floor before leaving and closing the bars. “Can’t do anything else but get fucked out of his mind again. What a lowlife.”  


Tracy was about to snap at the guard’s lowly comment, but decided not to take the chance to get himself deeper into trouble, he knew right away that many of the guards in this place were crooked, he needed to watch himself. His eyes followed the guard as he walked away while he rubbed his wrists since they bore marks from the handcuffs and were quite sore. He already detested the way that the guards were treating everyone in here.  


_This is fucking bullshit._  


Tracy exhaled deeply as he turned around and headed towards his room. This was his new home now until otherwise. He was already planning a way to try and save himself, because he didn’t belong here. As he walked past Gustav, he paused briefly in his steps analyzing the unconscious man. The white male had several face tattoos. The most prominent ones were the big red anarchy sign on his cheek and a ‘crybaby’ written on the top of his brow. His eyes dropped down to see that Gustav was wearing boxers revealing the self-harm he had inflicted on his thigh.  


“What the fuck?”  


Before Tracy could enter his room, the doors to his cell block had opened and a group of other inmates in orange headed inside with the same guard from before, who had a devilish smirk carved onto his lips.  


“Ah, so the new meat is here.” A smug smile grew on Shanks face as he cracked his knuckles. Tracy’s brow arched as the man approached him. “Who the fuck are you?” Tracy faced him, both of his fists clenching.  


Shanks shoved the black male against the wall, his forearm holding Tracy in a choke hold. Tracy’s breath hitched as the arm pressed harder against his throat. Adrenaline immediately pumped through his body as he raised his fist to punch Shanks in the face.  


The top dog barely flinched as he answered back with an even stronger blow with his free hand, sending blood from Tracy’s nostril’s flying to the ground. “Let me tell you how it fucking works around here.” Shanks spat on Tracy’s face as he pushed harder on his throat. “You are _my_ fucking property now, so you best behave. They don’t call me Shanks for nothing.”  


Tracy’s heart began beating faster as he was losing breath trying to gasp for air. His hands tried to remove the arm enclosing him. “I… can’t… breathe…” Tracy managed to wheeze out as he tried to wriggle away from the man’s grip.  


Gustav’s eyelids fluttered open as he woke up from his sleep, his eyes hazy from the after effects of heroine. He looked over to see what was happening unable to react quickly. A reality check soon hit him hard as he saw that the new face was not Bexey, but another man forcefully submitting to Shanks introduction. He had forgotten this whole time that things were changing now. He jumped up and stared at the man getting restrained up against the wall. “Shanks, he can’t breathe! His face his turning blue!” He knew he wasn’t able to stop Shanks from what he was doing but no way was he going to let another man die right now.  


Gustav’s heart began beating quicker his breaths grew sparse as anxiety increased within him. His legs shook lightly as he watched what would happen next, frightened. He was so fed up of this prolonging terror that never seemed to cease in this place.  


Shanks lifted his arm, letting Tracy fall onto all fours on the ground as he gasped loudly for air. He wiped the blood off of his nose and rested his hand on his throat. Gustav felt a bit alleviated and wanted to run over and help Tracy out but his feet were cemented right into the ground. He didn’t dare to do anything that would piss off Shanks even more.  


“Then he should know not to fucking mess with me.” Shanks kicked Tracy hard in the ribs before turning around to leave with his crew and the guard that was waiting for the intimidating top dog. Shanks laughed heartily as the doors shut closed again before they walked away.  


It was sickening how the guards were taking Shanks side and promoting violence inside these walls, as if it was all a game. They had a thirst for drama and entertainment since they spent almost all of their time here and they grew bored out of their minds. Gustav even heard from the other prisoners that the guards would bet their money on skirmishes between the inmates and they would be extremely content if someone took up Shanks, because that would mean one less prisoner alive, one less ‘scum’ in this world; as they would say.  


“Fuck!” Tracy groaned loudly as he curled up into fetal position and grabbed the place where he had been kicked. Gustav rushed over to his side and kneeled down next to him, laying a hand gently on Tracy’s shoulder. “Don’t fucking touch me!” Tracy had no intentions of making friends in here he just wanted to be alone. He had just gotten in prison and his body was already broken down as much as his pride.  


Gustav flinched at the abrupt rejection; all he wanted to do was help. Nonetheless, he was going to keep trying. If there’s one thing he had been taught from Bexey, it was always to look out for one another in here even if he didn’t know who he was. He knew one thing for sure that the sickening torture that Shanks was doing was not going to be kept in secret and eventually he would have to tell Tracy as a heads up. He felt repelled to try and take some action for someone else since taking action for his own self was long gone.  


“I have pain meds.” The eagerness in Gustav’s eyes were apparent, he didn’t want to leave the man here alone in discomfort. Tracy sighed heavily, confused in what he should do. This was all so fucked up. The pain was nearly unbearable, as it panged in his rib cage up until his nose. “Okay fine...”  


Gustav wiped the spit away from Tracy’s face with his hand before helping him up to go into his room next door to Tracy’s.  


Tracy plopped onto the bed, groaning with every movement that he made. Gustav removed a brick from his cell wall uncovering drugs that were hidden inside. He took a Xanax as it was the closest thing to mentally lessen the pain and handed it to Tracy. “It’s not much since they’re xans, but it should be better than nothing.”  


Tracy took the pill without question and gulped it down. He sat up while laying a hand on his ribcage. “Whatever. Thanks... I guess.” His eyes darted to the side as he lost himself in thought. Gustav gulped a Xanax, taking two into the palm of his hand, before putting them away in his hiding spot. All he wanted to do is to sleep continuously through this nightmare.  


He took a seat beside Tracy, taking a moment to scrutinize the new inmate. He was a black male also having several face tattoos etched into his skin. He had bright orange dreads matching with the orange prisoner clothes. “If you need more, just ask.”  


Tracy paid no mind to Gustav popping a pill not cloaking the fact that he was a drug addict. He wasn’t going to lie to himself that he also had an addiction to drugs and Xanax was one of them. He wasn’t sure that taking drugs from a stranger, especially in prison, was the brightest idea but right now he couldn’t care less. A mix of anger and deception collided with each other and getting offered pills was the nicest thing he got in here so far in the first hour he stepped in. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he felt a vibe that Gustav wasn’t a bad guy and he clearly saw that Shanks scared the fuck out of him.  


“So who the fuck was that? I can tell you that I have beef with him, fucking asshole.” He growled, looking at Gustav with a stern expression.  


Gustav leaned his back against the wall as his eyes blanked out, staring emptily in front of him. He popped another Xanax, “He’s… the top dog in here. Gonna warn you, should drop the beef you have with him or…” He was about to take the last pill he had in his hand but soon got interrupted.  


An inmate from their cell block came into Gustav’s room cutting him off, their eyes hungrily locking onto the Xanax in Gustav’s hand. “Hey Gus… you have any more uhm…” The person's’s hazel eyes were sunken in as puffy dark bags hung under. They were pale as a ghost and as skinny as a tooth pick. The inmate looked sick as they were evidently suffering from major withdrawal. As soon as they got their hands on contraband, they would take it all as soon as possible.  


The prisoner's arm was a deepened red as they couldn’t stop themself from scratching at the same place. They always felt so itchy at that certain place, a possible side effect from taking too many different substances all at once over a prolonged period of time. The only healthy thing that he had was his long luscious golden locks, as his hair was the most important thing to them. The inmate was dealing with depression because they truly felt like a woman stuck in a man’s body. It was hardship for her to be in here, she was heavily judged by everyone and the only person who didn’t judge her and actually pushed her to embrace this femininity was Gustav.  


Gustav frowned as he got up to go into his stash and get more Xanax’s for his anxiety, just something to appease him for a bit. “I’ll be right back.” He went to the other inmate and gave him the Xanax as he wrapped his arm around her neck leading her out of the room. “We need to talk baby girl.”  


Tracy arched his brow as Gustav said that out loud. At this moment, he didn’t really care. The effects of the Xanax were slowly kicking in so he just relaxed on Gustav’s bed, resting himself against the wall as he closed his eyes.  


_“Jade.”_  


Gustav led Jade to sit on her bed, dropping two pills in the palm of her hand as she sat down. Jade was about to pop the pills, but Gustav stopped her.  


“You need to slow down on the drugs, Jade.” Gustav rested both of his hands on the woman’s shoulders as he gazed straight into her eyes. “You’re gonna lose that beautiful hair of yours if you keep doing this to yourself, do you want that?”  
Jade’s eyes began to water, clearly trying to hold back the explosion of tears she had dwelling inside. “No…”  


“Then you need to stop, can you promise me to try?”  


Jade burst out into a sob as warm tears streamed down her cheeks. “It’s hard Gus! It’s so hard... I just want Shanks to love me again! Why doesn’t he love me?” She had an uncontrollable obsessional love for Shanks. Gustav didn’t understand why, but never did he judge anyone for their actions, especially if they were nice to him.  


Gustav seated next to Jade and took her in his arms and ran a hand through her hair as she shook frantically the more she cried. “I love you Jade. “ He kissed her deeply on the head as he felt pity for Jade. Everyone in here had to endure so much stress, one thing for sure is that caring for others helped stabilize Gustav’s mental state to distract him from his own problems.  


They sat together for a moment, Gustav doing his best to reassure the other crying prisoner, then an idea hit him hard, a wide toothed smirk appearing on his lips.  


“Hey, let’s do something fun for that beautiful face, I don’t wanna see any more tears.” He wiped the tears away from Jade’s cheeks before getting up. He knew that one thing Jade loved to do was put on some make-up. It was difficult for her to express herself; every time she beautified her face everyone would call her deranged and make insulting remarks that made her feel bad. Today was going to change, Gustav was going to stick by her side to give her the shining confidence that she needed and show off her feminine elegance and not give a fuck about everyone else’s shitty opinions.  


He went to grab the box under Jade’s bed which had her favorite cherry lipstick, mascara and purple eyeshadow palette. As he opened the box to get her things, he paused and examined the red nail polish mixed up inside the box. Gustav smiled softly as he remembered the good memories they would share by painting each other’s fingernails. He would just imagine Jade’s happy giggling as they shared this girly moment. To be honest, it was one of Gustav’s favorite moments in prison. His eyes flickered quickly at his nails, mentally agreeing with himself that he needed to re-do them.  


He moved the nail polish over and grabbed the rest of her make-up. He slid the box back under the bed and returned to Jade’s side. “You should take that now while I doll you up, girl.” He nudged his head pointing to the Xanax in the palm of her hand. She popped the pills while grinning, her tears ceasing.  


“I bet Shanks will want to spend time with you as soon as he sees how sexy you’re gonna be.” Gustav said, shaking the bottle of mascara. He clicked his tongue and shot a wink, “I know I would, heh.”  


He combed her eyelashes with the brush, every lash thickening with every swipe. Jade giggled softly as she looked up to Gustav. “Thanks Gus, I know I can count on you!” She had such a sweet and tender soul; she deserved to be appreciated by anybody with how much of a sweetheart she was. He just wished that she would have fallen for less of a psychopath though.  


As soon as Gustav was done with her lashes, she removed a pocket mirror from under her pillow and traced her lips with the lipstick, smacking her lips to equalize the application of color. She beamed with radiance as she examined herself in the mirror.  


“That’s my girl! We’re gonna get called to the cafeteria soon. I know it’s hard and people suck ass, but ignore them. I’ll be by your side the whole time.” He reached out for her hand as the bell rang for the prisoners to go out for breakfast.  
They both headed back to Gustav’s cell to get Tracy, where he was dozed off in a comfortable nap.  


“Fuck, I don’t know what his name is.” He whispered quietly as Jade answered with a shrug. “Dude” He tapped on the other male’s shoulder.  


Tracy snorted loudly as he woke up with tiny eyes. “Hmm?” The bell rang a second time. He stretched as he looked at Gustav questionably. “What? What’s up?”  
“Time to go have breakfast. My name is Gustav by the way, Gus for short.”  


“Tracy.”  


He yawned loudly, as he got up to join the other two to head out into the cafeteria.  


All three of them were feeling soothingly serene from the effects of the pills, their minds completely numb. Any thought entering their head would be erased from a care-free spirit.  


As they headed towards the cafeteria, Tracy noticed Jade’s appearance; he felt confusion as he tried to decipher what was going on. “Uh…” Gustav tapped Tracy on his back, “Dude. She’s trans. She likes make-up and she wants to uh...” He glanced over to Jade for approval if he could mention why she was doing this. She nodded knowingly that one way or another he would eventually find out. Everyone in the prison knew that she was obsessed with Shanks.  


He shifted his glance back to Tracy. “She wants Shanks to fuck her tonight.”  


Tracy tripped on his step as he choked on his saliva. “ _What?!_ ” He had totally forgotten about Shanks as his brain was paralyzed in stupor. Before the answer was given they arrived at the cafeteria and many inmates turned their heads towards the trio as they entered. A mix of laughter and comments filled the room as eyes from every direction looked right at them.  


Shanks looked up from his breakfast and shot a wink at Tracy. Tracy made a sound of disgust, irritation bubbling inside him. Jade giggled and waved at Shanks as she shyly put her other hand in front of her face, believing that Shanks was winking at her.  


“Look at this fucking delusional faggot again.” An inmate from a nearby table called out as his crew laughed. Gustav rose his middle finger while sticking his tongue out knowing fully that all three had protection from Shanks and his gang, no matter how fucked up that sounded. He was used to it though so when people wanted to be assholes, he was able to be an asshole in return. “Seems to me like you’re talking about yourself”  


Tracy was exasperated at the inmate’s hollowness as he commented pointlessly about Jade. It simply reminded him of the resentment he had for this sort of person. Back in school he used to be ridiculed all day because of his skin color, people would reject him just because he was a black man and they would use that horrendous inappropriate N word and what did they achieve by being mean with him? They fueled him to hate people, they all sucked. They had no place to judge him just because he wasn’t like them; not a white man. For all these years he always had to prove to everyone that he wasn’t a bad guy, he wasn’t a thief, and he wasn’t some thug off the streets who would hurt people. And this, this comment made to jade, dejecting what she is just because she’s different from everyone else. She wasn’t delusional; these guys were just complete jerks.  


Tracy lunged forward and began pummeling on the prisoner’s face. “Keep your shitty comments to yourself!” Tracy roared with fury as he took all the pent up animosity driven in him onto the other male.  


“Tracy!” Gustav leapt forward and slipped between them to break the fight, but instead snagged a fist to the face from the other inmate.  


The prisoners from the nearby table began shouting and yelling as they got up from their chairs to join in the altercation.  


Shanks growled as he slowly got up, gradually sliding his chair as hard as he could into the ground to make the most noise possible. Prisoner’s nearby gasped as they stuck like glue in their chairs, their gazes flipping towards Shanks. From one moment to another the cafeteria went quiet, even the guard that was about to intervene stepped back.  


Shanks made his way to the skirmish with long refined steps, eyes from every direction following him. The inmate who had punched Gustav in the face went from incredibly angry to increasingly anxious. His breaths accelerating as Shanks came closer and closer. Shanks deadly hollow gaze was nothing to ignore as he swung his arm around the inmates neck. “Come with me.” He spoke silently and profound as he led the other inmate out of the cafeteria.  


Gustav was holding back a frenzied Tracy who was trying to escape from his grasp. He was in true disbelief; he hadn’t the slightest idea on how he was going to control himself in here, especially with all the shit that was going on.  
“I’m _sooooo_ jealous.” Jade said unhappily as she watched the other prisoner get escorted out with her favorite man.  


“You jealous of _what_ , bitch?!” He peeped as his anger immediately extinguished which was quickly replaced with incredulity. "Shits wack..." 

Gustav let him go knowingly that he already was calmer, then he looked at Jade, “Baby girl, don’t you remember what happened to Justin? I think that other guy is about to get like… seriously fucked up.”  


“Who the fuck is this Justin we talkin’ bout now?” Tracy’s brain felt like it was going to explode, every time something would happen, more unanswered questions would pop into his head.  


“The other dude with us” Gustav scratched the back of his neck as he subtly pointed at a man sitting at a table wolfing down his food.  


“The fuck there was another dude, bro?” Tracy scrunched his face as he inspected the man.  


“Let’s get something to eat first, I’m starving, this ass needs rounding.” Jade said as she strode her way to the counter to get food. “I’ll explain everything at the table, aight?” Gustav nodded his head to Tracy as he followed after Jade.  


The trio got their food and took a table farthest from people as they could. The last thing that Gustav wanted was to have other people overhearing them. “The walls have ears, people don’t have shit to do but step inside other people’s shit. Trust me.” Gustav took a seat beside Jade, examining the so called delicious meal they had; oatmeal, which literally almost resembled cat vomit.  


Gustav groaned in distaste as he picked his meal with the plastic fork. He wasn’t even that hungry because of the drugs he was on. Tracy was in too much bewilderment from all the events occurring. This was his first day; imagine all the things that would happen after a week.  


Gustav’s eyes swerved from side to side to be certain that nobody was eavesdropping. He hunched in closer speaking lowly.  
“I’ve been wanting to tell you, but you’re Shanks property now.”  


“ _What?!_ ” Tracy shouted.  


Gustav shushed loudly pointing towards the other prisoners who veered their heads towards them.  


“ _What?!_ ” Tracy repeated, but quietly this time as he lowered himself to get closer to Gustav sitting across the table from him.  


“You know our cell, well we belong to Shanks. Like… Sexually. We are literally his property. It’s been like this since I got here.”  


Jade nodded silently as she ate, lost in thought about her fantasies about Shanks. She missed his touch so much.  


“No” Tracy stated earnestly. He shook his head. “No, _no_ fucking way.” He curled his fist as he pushed the tray of food away from him. “No _fucking_ way is that happening.” Tracy wasn’t sure about how he was feeling inside now, he got thrown into prison for something that wasn’t even his fault and now Gustav was telling him that he was going to get raped and that he had no control over it.  


“It’s either that or you turn out like Justin.” Gustav spoke with sadness; thoughts of him getting raped by someone he had zero feelings for distraught him. Shanks destroyed him as an individual, even when he will eventually leave this prison he will be forever traumatized with repugnant memories of this man raping him, almost every day. It has been like this for a year now and he still hasn’t got used to it.  


“Justin has no more tongue.” Jade joined in the conversation, tears forming at her eyes. “He tried to fight and kill him a few times; Shanks got fed up and cut his tongue off.” Jade was actually crying at the fact that someone would actually try and kill Shanks. Just the thought of him not being alive was eating away at her heart. She maybe was psychotic in her way, but never did she try and hurt other people, or even snitch on them when they would talk shit behind Shanks back. All she wanted in her life was Shanks to love her and to make friends. That’s what being in prison for fifteen years does to you, makes you go crazy with each passing day.  


Tracy’s mouth hung open, horrified, as he stared at Justin who was getting up and nearly jogging back to his room. “This guy is a fucking psycho.” Jade smiled at Tracy, agreeing with his statement. “And how do you even… Have feelings for this guy? You know that he has nothing for you, right?” Tracy glanced back to Jade.  


“Honestly” She paused as she took a bite of her oatmeal, shaking her head. “I don’t know. I’ve been in here for fifteen years now and no one gave me attention for that way for the longest time apart from Shanks. I wanted to get transferred to a female prison but no one wanted to pay for my transition so they just put me in here. Loneliness eats you up eventually...”  


_Fifteen years._  


Tracy didn’t seem sure about asking what she did to be stuck in here for so long, so he repelled the question that popped into his head as he picked at his oatmeal.  


“I’m here for another seven years.” Gustav sighed heavily as he put a hand over his eyes. “I was a fucking idiot. I took an insane amount of ketamine, was literally in the k-hole, while driving and I killed an innocent girl. To this day I can’t forgive myself, so you know what?” He looked up to Tracy and stared at him right in the eyes. “This is karma. I _accept_ everything that’s happening to me.”  


“Shit, bro..” Tracy spoke softly, hesitant on what to say about that. He figured one thing that Gus was entrusting him enough to confess this on the first day. Tracy wasn’t great on making friends, but when he did, they usually stuck around for a long time and he already felt like a part of the clique; Him, Gustav and Jade. He still didn’t know what to do to resolve the situation with Shanks though.  


Compassion lingered in Gustav’s eyes as his brown hues connected with Tracy’s. “Just mentally prepare yourself for tomorrow morning…”


	3. Passin' by, no one notices my angel wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tracy preparing for a defense as Jade is having a breakdown as we discover a little slice of her life and of course Gustav being an adorable sweetheart helping her out.  
> Everything was going fine between the trio until Shanks appeared to do his sickening nightly routine to victims who never asked for this but just helplessly accepted apart from when Tracy got into prison.
> 
> Things escalated quickly by the end of the chapter, Gustav returning back to where he started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I am sorry it took me awhile to update! I am having a lot of questioning and things trying to sort out and so it had taken up a lot on my mind that pushed em away from writing. I also started listening to Lil Peep at work (basically 40hours a week XD!!) and I just love him so much, I never connected(more like identified) with a person so much. So I got a huge motivation to continue writing! Although I feel like the next chapter I may have a writer's block :,) I am trying to think up of things for it to make a nice flow and also for it to make sense, bear with me I will find a way XD
> 
> DO U KNO DA WAI?

CHAPTER 3

The dead silence was patronizing; usually a noiseless background was comforting to Tracy. It allowed him to sink deeply into his thoughts, seizing himself and his emotions; self-meditation. These moments allowed him to take control of his demons residing inside of his skull. Not to mention it was a time where he can withdraw from all social situations since he was quite the introvert. Silence also gave him a break from too many people talking to him; he had a hard time trusting the words of other people since he got fucked over so much in his lifetime, but he did have great instinct to know if people had good or bad intentions. 

Tonight the quietude was not as peaceful as usual. His thoughts were scrambled, questions flying in and out of his confused mind. What Gustav said, was it all true? Was rape really going to happen tonight? How was he supposed to be sure that Gustav was telling the truth? Even with some evidence Tracy was clearly in denial. No way was he going to let another man touch him. How the fuck can this even happen?  
Tracy sat up in his bed, picking at the skin of his fingers, ripping off tiny pieces causing him to bleed a little. He was really anxious right now; he needed to come up with a plan to protect himself. How was he going to do this and go up against a man of that size?  


Tracy closed his eyes and deeply inhaled.  


_Think._  


A quick analyzation got him to realize when he came in the prison Gustav had fresh markings on his thigh. That means there was a razor blade somewhere. Tracy grew impatient as he thought some more, he couldn’t go see Gustav, what if he tried and stop him? A small scenario popped inside his head as he mentally imagined himself asking Gustav where the blade was, and then Gustav getting up to try and stop him because attacking Shanks would ‘only make things worse.’ He could envision this so clearly in his mind. Or, somehow Jade would overhear and she would definitely intervene.  


The clock was ticking now since Jade risked of coming back out any moment, pressuring Tracy to hurry up and perhaps find the razor lying around somewhere. Gustav was really high when Tracy first made entry into the prison, there may be chances he’d misplace it without being conscious of where he had hidden it.  


Luckily, Tracy had a lot of practice at sneaking around and being noiseless when the situation asked for it. He got skilled at it since when he was younger, he would often sneak out of the front door of his parent’s house to go see his ex-girlfriend because jumping down the window wasn’t an option. He did have times where he got caught and he always had liable excuses up his sleeve to counter his parent’s questions.  


He left his room making his steps as quiet as a feather falling to the ground. Tracy grew flustered as the dim lighting wasn’t helping him at all, but he still kept calm and collected as he moved. A breath of relief exhaled through his nose as Jade’s door was open, light illuminating softly on where the couch was. That couch was his best bet to search for the weapon. He was clueless on when Shanks was going to arrive, but Tracy needed to hurry to have a preemptive strike against the experienced top dog; to leave Shanks no chance of acting first.  


He shot a quick glance over to Gustav’s door, overhearing sobbing and mumbling. He moved closer towards the couch where he checked closely for a razor blade. “Fuck” he muttered out as nothing was there. He crouched on all fours to check under, still no luck of a razor blade, but only lots of dust bunnies and old dried up rotten food. It was incredible how much the guards respected the prisoners in this place. It was more disgusting than the food rotting under here. He stood back up, growing impatient as his mission was seemingly to grow without success. He shoved his hand in the crease of the couch and slid his hand, examining in the depth of the couch’s hidden spot, undoubtedly cutting himself on the blade. He quickly retracted his hand and put the small bloody injury in his mouth. A wash of relief swayed through his body as he was glad to find the blade, not really giving a fuck about the mild pain throbbing at his index finger; he had a crazy pain tolerance. He leaned back and split the couch crease to carefully procure the razor blade.  


He could definitely see dried blood on the sharp tip as he scrutinized it. He could feel Gustav’s pain as he held the blade, maybe one day Tracy would trust Gus enough to help him get through this shit, but right now Tracy prioritized himself.  
He could hear a laugh in the hallway, a mix of quiet footsteps and jangling keys heading his way.  


_Shit._  


Tracy’s heart paced a little faster now as he rushed silently back into his room, closing the door quietly behind him, slowly turning the handle back into its slot so that the click was almost unheard. He backed up against the wall as he heard the door to their room opening, the voices sounding clearer, one of them recognized as Shanks raspy bellowed tone. Tracy waited patiently for the man to open the door, he was going to try and slice at his throat as deep as he could. The scheme popped into his head as he imagined Shanks bleeding to death, blood spurting from the messy incision from his throat, finally ending the terrorizing monster.  


_I’m waiting for you, asshole._  


In Gustav’s cell Jade was still sobbing, both of them not grasping the reality of the exterior situation that was about to happen. They were both sitting on his bed while Gustav comforted her as she spilled her emotions. Before Jade entered his room, he was in a sad place, thinking about Bexey and how much he missed him. Jade distracted him well since he really enjoyed being there for her.  


“Having dysphoria sucks. I’m sure Shanks would love me if I had soft perky breasts. I’ll never have them. And you know what the worst part is?” Jade sniffed as she spoke incoherently. Gustav held her hand as he listened while resting his other hand on her shoulder. “I was so close to having them too! But I messed everything up by killing my whole family, which I regret so much Gus…” Warm tears flowed down her cheeks mixed with clumps of mascara from before.  


He brought her into a hug, running his fingers through her hair. “I know… I regret shit too. But, that’s in the past now. You’re gonna have to forgive yourself someday and give yourself a chance.”  


Upon first meeting Jade, Gustav wasn’t going to lie that he was really scared of her since she massacred her parents. But after getting to know her he understood what she went through; she had an emotional crack and saw blood red vision as she killed them, anger pulsing through her veins. She was dealing with judgments everyday, intense amounts of trans-phobia from who she was closest too and just dealt with that sort of intense shit nearly every day. There’s only so much some people can take before they just break.  


Jade had also asked Gustav several times to help her kill herself since she was terrified of doing it, alone especially, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that. He knew way too many people close to him that died because of suicide. But he understands where she’s coming from; most of the time he wants to die also and whenever he attempted suicide, it would always fail and he would just live. Surprisingly, as soon as he got into jail, apart from Shanks, Jade and Bexey made him feel better. Outside of jail all he did was get high and forget all the times he had. He was going through heartbreak, and depression succumbed him to dig a deeper emotional grave as he attempted suicide several times, becoming a regular patient in and out of the hospital.  


He decided he was going to live for others he cared about. They showed him immense love, one true belief that living can be actually fun. The fact that one close to him was dead, it hung so heavily on his heart, but Jade needed him really badly and he cared too much for her to leave her alone, more than he actually cared for himself. He didn’t want her to go either so they depended heavily on one another, thriving to survive, creating gleeful memories along the way that warmed up his broken heart. It was a surprise to know that prison can teach you major life lessons that resulted in good ones contrary to the belief that people usually had about being stuck within these walls. Ironically, Gustav felt imprisoned before actually being in prison.  


"Everything is gonna be alright, I promise Jade," A small smile creeped up on his face as he continued to hug her tightly, her tears leaking into his shirt. "I got a surprise for you girl, but it was supposed to be for your birthday next week." He let her go and leaned over to grab a small box from under his bed. It was pink, which was Jade's favorite color, and also Gus's favorite color. He traded his ramen noodles for this box for Jade's special day, her birthday. On it was written 'Happy birthday to the best girl ever'. His eyes rested on the box momentarily, a small smug smile creeping up onto his lips. He handed it to her letting out a small giggle. "Happy birthday it advance Jade! I know it's early but I have a feeling you'll feel better with it."  


Her sobbing ceased slowly as this piqued her curiosity. She felt a warmth blossom throughout her body as she read the words written on the box. Gus really knew how to make her feel better, especially his effort to make her feel less dysphoric as possible.  


She shyly removed the top of the box, puckering her lips. Her eyes widened as her hands gestured excitedly while she letting out a small squee. She removed the pastel pink bra from the box and gave a bright wide tooth smile, her crying ceasing entirely. 

"Oh my god GUS! How..." She was exasperated. "How did you even get a hold of this?!" Gustav's eyes flickered towards the floor as he gave a shy wide toothed smile. "I'm sorry Jade but I gotta keep a secret somewhere."  


In truth he had to give drugs up for an entire week to another inmate who enjoyed Jade for who she was; A full week of giving away his drugs and dealing with withdrawal to just gift a cute pink bra to Jade. It might not be the cure to her dysphoria, but with a shirt on top she will definitely look like she'll have breasts. "You gotta promise me to not wear it elsewhere but here. The rules suck donkey dick, I know."  
They both giggled which was then replaced with a loud scream coming from outside of his room. "Oh shit!" Gustav gasped as hopped onto his feet and rushed out the door Jade quickly following behind him.

_Shanks_

Gustav saw that Tracy's door was wide open, Shanks huffing loudly as he grasped his shoulder which bore a huge flesh wound, evidently done by a razor blade. Gustav ran over and saw that Tracy was knocked out on the ground, blood leaking from his head staining the floor a bright red, creating a small puddle. Gustav held back the tears that were instantly forming at the corner of his eyes while Jade gasped loudly, holding a hand to her mouth and her eyes widened, watching in terror.  


"Please not another one to die!" Gustav ran over to Tracy, pushing pass Shanks not giving a shit that Shanks was wounded. Gustav's breaths began to race as he knelt down to stick two fingers to Tracy's neck to verify his pulse, which was still beating but very slowly. "He needs to go get checked right now!" Gustav turned his head to Shanks, forcing himself to look like he cared so that he wouldn't get penalized of anything. "Shanks you need help also, you're bleeding a fuckton!"  


"No. This newbie doesn't seem to understand how things work around here. He asked for it, leave him to die." Shanks held a stern, cold expression not even looking as if his wound was hurting him at all.  
He looked at Gustav with disapproval before he turned to leave. "I know that you're lying, falsely caring about me. I don't like liars, watch your step." He growled through his teeth, blood still dripping on his shirtless body.  
The guard came running in, taking Shanks away, "Do you need to see the nurse?"

He nudged the guard’s hand off of his shoulder, shooting him a stone cold glare. "No, just get me some fucking rubbing alcohol and pills. I'll be fine." He shot a glance back at Tracy. "Take him to the infirmary to get better. I'm not done with him."  
"And what do I say to the nurse?" The guard asked, knowingly that no one would believe that Tracy did this to himself.  


"Tell her that HE did it." He nudged his head towards Jade, putting emphasis on calling her the wrong pronoun. He fully turned his body towards Jade, "Break your knuckles on the fucking wall or else I'll never fuck you again."  
Jade nearly choked on her breath, completely ignoring the fact that Shanks called her by the wrong pronoun, she knew that he was extremely furious right now. But his request was disheartening, she was given an ultimatum and she knew the right answer. She didn't care much of her how her body looked like right now, all she wanted Shanks approval.  


Tears formed at her eyes as she approached the brick wall and threw several hard punches at it, making the flesh of her knuckles breaking, spots of blood smudging the wall while the rest flew to the ground. With every punch she groaned in pain, making sure that they bled well.  
"Jade, no!" Gustav was torn between his newly acquired friend who laid unconscious on the floor and his best friend mutilating herself for this asshole. He couldn't help but to release a heavy flow of tears as he got up, rushing towards Jade to try and stop her.  


Shanks marched over and grabbed Gustav by his throat with his bloody hand, blemishing the pure smooth paleness of Gustav’s neck with his deepened red fluid, and shoved him onto the wall making sure that he had access to no one. Gustav struggled to get away from Shanks grip, but his strength versus the man's was one to none.  
"You know how much it turns me on when you cry, you submissive little bitch." The man, still gripping Gustav with his bloody hand, went in to forcefully shove his tongue nearly lunging down his throat, hungrily making out with him.  
Gustav wanted to chomp down on Shanks tongue so bad, get rid of this fucking asshole who seemed invincible no matter what anyone did to him. But he couldn't, instead he just sobbed helplessly as his friends were in danger while this monster was ravaging all the poise he had left.  


The guard, wearing a smug grin on his face, walked over to Jade and stopped her. "Let's see your hands." She showed them to him and the crooked guard agreed silently to himself that they were ruined perfectly. He grabbed her harshly by the arm and used his other hand to place her hair behind her ear, leaning in closely whispering, "You're going to the shoe, bitch."  
"What?!" Jade began to panic as she plainly got framed, not even thinking of the possibility of that happening. 

"Come on!" The guard dragged her blatantly out of the cell block nudging his head towards two other guards. "The nigger is passed out on the floor. Get him to the infirmary." He chuckled as he brought Jade, who was yelling for Gustav for help. The two other prison guards went in and carried Tracy to the infirmary right away.  


Meanwhile all of this was happening, Shanks was grabbing at Gustav's crotch and attacking the inside of his mouth with his tongue not even giving the slightest care of anything.  
Gustav wanted to die so badly right now, everything was taken away from him in less than just a few minutes. He didn't know what to do but just have himself stripped away from his dignity with every action Shanks was doing.  
After from what seemed like damned eternity, Shanks let him go. "I have to go take care of myself, but I'll be back with you soon." Shanks gave a disgusting wet lick on Gustav's cheek before he turned to leave.  


Gustav dropped down to the ground, his body falling limp like a dead abused doll. He felt so many emotions at once that he felt dead and numb inside. All the energy he had was drained out, his heart thumping slow but hard against his rib cage. A soulless expression on his face took over as he stared emptily at the wall in front of him.  


There was only one thing to do now, and that was to take an insane amount of Xanax, go back to his old habits and just sleep through this nightmare once more. Bexey died yesterday, his new friend and best friend got ripped away from his grasp. There was nothing left by his side but drugs. Fate always knew how to screw him over, no matter how much he tried to get better, everything always somehow just got worse.  
Gustav hauled himself up with effort as he walked with heavy strides back to his room, feeling like vacant ghost. He removed the brick from the hidden part of the wall and took a couple of Xanax into the palm of his hand. He went to his bed and sat down, losing himself in thought, vaguely looking down at the eight pills. Without hesitation he threw his head back and swallowed the pills two at a time making enough saliva in his mouth for them to glide easily down his throat. After ingesting the drugs he lied down and closed his eyes, waiting for the Xanax to kick in. Suicide popped into his mind, as loneliness was his worst enemy. He would try to kill himself now, but all his energy was depleted, his life crumbling in an instant.  


He tried to fight away the numbing burdening thoughts by softly singing some lyrics of a song he begun to think up the same evening that Bexey died. Thinking up of lyrics was a way to ease some of the pain, and tonight he needed to hear them, anything to get by this torment.  


If I had one night, I would spend it with you  
I need help real soon, I'ma die in my room  
You wanna come fly too, gettin' high as the moon  
I might spread my wings tonight  
I’m gon' pack my things tonight  
Phone's gon' ring tonight  
Hear the angels sing tonight

But a heart wanna die, I never live my life  
You can see it in my eyes, that I can't decide  
I'm fucked up, but my heart still beats for you  
Broken heart, can't breathe in the waitin' room  
Now I'm faced with the test of forgettin' you

With a few last breaths Gustav dozed off into a deep sleep, the Xanax numbing the rest of his thoughts as he began to feel comfortably numb.

**(LYRICAL CONTENT IS NOT MINE, I do not own the rights to this song  
Song: Apparition Love by Lil Peep himself)**


End file.
